luf

"loving someone means allowing the other person to respond in ways you have no control over. every time you engage yourself in an intimate, loving way with someone else you become at least partly subject to the exhilaration of hearing another person’s yes or the disappointment of his or her no. the more people you love, the more pain you may experience. for the great mystery of love is that while it can be received, it can also be rejected. every time you love you enter into the risk of love.”
-henri nouwen, turn my mourning into dancing

so basically, this scares the shit out of me...if i were just to be honest.

The Crunch of a Green Bean

I miss my family so much. It is such an odd experience growing older and away from your adolescence and childhood. I hate this ache that sits deep in my chest- longing for a home...my home...and a family. I am glad, however, that I am growing farther away from the mistakes of my youth...haha. But growing older, becoming an adult. Scary.

There is such a split in me that I desire independence, yet long for family. Not just community but, family. Ah, or maybe it is just grace, or God even for that matter. To have people know me and love me despite all my flaws- acceptance . Perhaps it is the Lord that I desire the most, because he does know us and love us despite all our flaws.

I am currently reading Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. If you haven't read it I would suggest it.

Zach, Steve, and I went out to Skid Row yesterday to begin filming a documentary. We met several new people, one of which has graduated university with a degree in theology. I am reminded that we as Christians are above nothing- meaning no sin or situation. That I, too, could earn a bible degree and still in someway end up on Skid Row or something similar... keeps you humble, huh?



I suppose those are my thoughts for now, I must study for an Old Testament midterm...have a pleasant afternoon.

A Moment On The Roofs Of The Town

My parents came to LA this past weekend to hang out and explore the life I have managed here. I am so blessed to have the parents I have; they are always so supportive and encouraging. They are such simple thinkers and are so good to put up with me and the ways I have decided to go. One of my favorite places in SoCal would be the Huntington Library and Botanical Gardens. My parents love gardening so that is totally their scene...my Mom couldn't get over the Hen and Chickens...



It was a lovely to spend my time with them.

I am so thankful to be getting involved at Mile Two (www.miletwo.org) the church I have been going to. It feels so good...right...to be apart of the Body again. The people there are amazing and every time I leave I am overwhelmed of belonging to a church family. Hooray!

I am slightly overwhelmed with everything that is going on in my life right now. I say this only because I feel that everything is accompanied with a heavy dose of confusion.I hate being confused. I want to make good and wise decisions and choices, but it can be so difficult especially when it involves other people... I am understanding that, "...my theology needs to meet my reality..." as Dr. David Talley was telling us earlier this week. I know God is faithful and good, it's just a matter of walking in that. To know that I will walk in the dark but the Lord is always there, guiding my steps. Why can't it be as easy as this?

I read a poem by Claude McKay this week and it is such an accurate picture of my life right now. It reads, "

O WHISPER, O my soul!—the afternoon
Is waning into evening—whisper soft!
Peace, O my rebel heart! for soon the moon
From out its misty veil will swing aloft!
Be patient, weary body, soon the night	5
Will wrap thee gently in her sable sheet,
And with a leaden sigh thou wilt invite
To rest thy tired hands and aching feet.
The wretched day was theirs, the night is mine;
Come, tender sleep, and fold me to thy breast.	10
But what steals out the gray clouds red like wine?
O dawn! O dreaded dawn! O let me rest!
Weary my veins, my brain, my life,—have pity!
No! Once again the hard, the ugly city.

Good night.

Fully Broken, Wholly Surrendered

I have a tendency to be far too personal and emotional on blogs. I will try to keep the treats at bay and...I suppose I am officially a blogger.

I was looking at a few photographs of some missionary friends I have that are stationed in Swaziland and it is unbelievable how much I miss them. Reflecting on the times when we all lived together in the Lovely Home Apartments in New Delhi- so dirty and hot; the only thing to do at night was to sit around and eat peanut butter and sing songs while Nick would play the guitar and Amanda would play the drums on a plastic bowl. We were fully broken and wholly surrendered to the Lord Jesus. It was beautiful. I was in love with those people, with God Almighty and the ministry He had set before us.

Those were good and pure days.





I have recently decided to switch from having an emphasis in photography to interdisciplinary arts. I am really happy about this.

The other night Angi and I went out with Mrs. Logie and Annie Bean. We chased the sunset into the ocean and followed the moon into the hills. It was magical.



And I am teaching Angi how to knit...and it will take magic for her to learn. :o)